Leadership Empathy – A critical skill for development

​Why is empathy lacking in so many organizations? 

Is it seen as a weakness in leaders to be empathetic? 

I’ve often wondered that when I’ve gotten hesitation and, sometimes, actual resistance as I’ve coached leaders over the course of my career in the importance of expressing empathy in their leadership roles.  Some of the push back has come from a misperception that it’s a “soft skill” that isn’t important.  In other cases, I think, it’s simply a situation of discomfort for the individual.  Perhaps it’s a sense that showing empathy with direct reports is akin to showing one’s vulnerability which is extremely uncomfortable for many leaders. 

What is empathy? 
At its core, it’s the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person.  It’s about feeling with someone, in a genuine, caring way.  To understand the difference between empathy and sympathy, let’s look to Brene Brown who has studied empathy for years.  Brene Brown is a well-known research professor and best-selling author who has spent her career studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy.   

According to Brown, empathy fuels connection, whereas sympathy fuels disconnection.  Empathy is about feeling WITH people.  She references nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman's four attributes of empathy:

• To be able to see the world as others see it.
• To be nonjudgmental
• To understand another person’s feelings
• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings

Brown defines empathy as a skill, and so she stresses actively practicing giving and receiving empathy.
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For a great 3 minute tutorial on how Brown describes the differences between sympathy and empathy, watch this video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

As the video explains, empathy is getting down in the hole with someone when they are struggling.  Brown states in her book Dare to Lead, “If struggle is being down in a hole, empathy is not jumping into the hole with someone who is struggling and taking on their emotions, or owning their struggle as yours to fix.  If their issues become yours, now you have two people stuck in a hole.  Not helpful.  Boundaries are important here.  We have to know where we end and others begin if we really want to show up with empathy.”  It’s uncomfortable being vulnerable, but it gets easier with practice.  As I’ve often said, every good HR person keeps a box of Kleenex in their office.  That goes for every good leader too.  Get in the hole with people, but don’t stay there.  

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
Developing empathy is part of developing emotional intelligence, or EQ.  In Daniel Goleman’s book, Working with Emotional Intelligence, he explains that “Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”  Leaders who have a high EQ are generally found to be more successful in their careers and better at developing and sustaining relationships. Good relationships are a key component in influencing others and in effectively leading through change.  Low EQ leaders tend to struggle.  The good news is that EQ can be developed.
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Empathy is part of the social competency aspect of emotional intelligence.  Goleman defines it further as follows:
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• Understanding others:  Sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns
• Developing others:  Sensing other’s development needs and bolstering their abilities
• Service orientation:  Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting customers’ needs
• Leveraging diversity:  Cultivating opportunities through different kinds of people
• Political awareness:  Reading a group’s emotional currents and power relationships

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​You can watch Daniel Goleman’s explanation of Emotional Intelligence here:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU&feature=youtu.be
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Learning the art of listening with intention is a key component of developing empathy and EQ.  As Goleman states, leaders “who appear approachable or go out of their way to hear what people have to say, embody this competence.  And people who seem easy to talk to are those who get to hear more.  Listening well and deeply means going beyond what is said by asking questions, restating in one’s own words what you hear to be sure you understand.” 

Why does it matter?
Empathy is sometimes viewed as a weakness, but it’s actually the most important ingredient in sustaining long term relationships with others.  Deeper, stronger relationships can help elicit cooperation and can withstand conflicts when they inevitably occur in the workplace. 

The inability to display empathy when it’s needed can send signals to an employee that you do not care about their wellbeing and can negatively impact their engagement and sense of loyalty to the company and to you, as their leader. 

In the 2017 Forbes article Empathy is An Essential Leadership Skill - - And There’s Nothing Soft About It by Prudy Gourgeuchon, the author states that even the US Army indicates in their Army Field Manual on Leader Development that empathy is essential for competent leadership.  In fact, in that manual, empathy is listed as one of the characteristics that is valued by the US Army in their leaders. 

For some, empathy comes naturally.  For others, it’s a skill they need to work at, but it can be done.  As the Forbes article author points out, “If you’re naturally low on the empathy scale, at least know you have this deficiency and that there is a cost to it.  You can learn to check yourself and do what does not come naturally:  before you act, school yourself to think of the people who will be affected and what your action will mean to them.  And try to remember to not just recognize but care about that impact on others.  You can also make sure you have a trusted advisor who fills in the gap in your skillset.  That advisor must be empowered to stop you if you’re forgetting that there are other people in the world and that their feelings and agendas are not the same as yours – and that these matter.” 

A friend shared with me recently that she was fired from her position.  She didn’t see it coming.  Her boss hadn’t had conversations with her that her performance had been lacking, her prior performance evaluations were all good, but she did have the sense that something was amiss.  She was called to her boss’s office and told she was being let go.  She wasn’t given much of a reason, but, worst of all, the message was delivered with very little empathy.  The meeting was over in 10 minutes.  She was devastated. 

There was no expression of understanding as to the impact that this decision was having on her or her family, there was no explanation as to why and there was no real reason being given.  She’s toward the end of her career and she’d never been fired from a job before in her life.  According to her, the message was delivered in a quick, cold and fairly heartless manner and she was left reeling.  Why couldn’t this message have been delivered differently?  There are key times in leadership when empathy is greatly needed.  An employment termination is one of them. 

When Does Empathy Really Matter?
Having leaders who are able to demonstrate empathy as a leadership skill is critical for many reasons, but particularly in times of crisis or major change.  Empathy in leadership matters on a daily basis, but there are certain times when leaders really need to step up, show up and put the feelings of others ahead of their own discomfort.  This takes courage and practice to do well if it doesn’t come naturally.   
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• In times of severe crisis such as those we are experiencing as a society in our present day of COVID19 and the Black Lives Matter movement, empathy REALLY matters.  It matters for leaders to really understand where employees are at emotionally.  Leaders themselves are trying to figure out how they feel about what is happening in our country right now, but it’s necessary to set aside their own personal feelings and really listen to how their employees are feeling about what is happening.  This can be particularly challenging when work may be happening remotely, but it becomes even more important to take the time to listen to employees’ concerns, ask open ended questions and gain their perspectives on the issues during these times. 

 

• Employees have lives and, consequently, in any given day, may have stressors outside of work – raising children, aging parents, ill family members, their own illnesses, spousal job losses, divorces - trying to juggle these things and getting their work done can be incredibly challenging at times.  Make sure your employee knows that your door is open and you are available to them if they need something.  This does not mean that you are there to be their counselor, but they need to know they can share with you if there’s something going on in their lives that may be impacting their work. ​

 

• Empathy is not substitute for lack of accountability. But as their leader you may also be able to make some adjustments to their workload, deadlines or work schedule that will allow them the flexibility they need to address issues that they have going on at home.  Or even just an extra, “How are you doing today?”will help them know that someone at work cares and can go a long way.

 

• When a leader must deliver a message to an employee about their termination or layoff it can be very tempting to deliver it in a short, curt message and move on to the next thing.  Just like in the example I shared earlier.  Often times, this is a very nerve wracking and uncomfortable experience for a leader and their desire is to just get it over with and get through the discomfort as quickly as possible.  This is one of those times as a leader that sitting with the discomfort and demonstrating empathy is important.  And turfing the action to another party to do, such as to HR, is not appropriate.  While HR might attend and even participate in the discussion, the leader is the one in the relationship.   If you’ve seen the movie Up In the Air with George Clooney, you know what I mean by delivering such a message without empathy.  Sticking to a script or a timeframe doesn’t always work and, in fact, can make a situation worse.  Appropriate displays of empathy and support are necessary during moments when employees are emotional or distraught.  It’s important to prep ahead of time for such meetings, but to be prepared for anything and to be willing to deviate from the plan based on the employee’s response to the message.  Knowing how to handle these situations gets easier with experience. 

 

• Workplace shootings have been on the rise over the years and I have to wonder what is behind this.  I’m not suggesting this is a direct result of lack of empathy, but how often do we hear in the news that the person was recently terminated from the employer?  I often wonder, was that termination handled with as much empathy as it could have been or was it handled in a cold unempathetic manner?  Perhaps in a way that triggered the person.  Mental health is a real issue in our society today.  As leaders, you have some responsibility in watching for signs that an employee may be in distress.  You know your employee best.  If you do have a concern about an employee that may be struggling, reach out to your HR person for guidance.  They can often partner with you and/or your Employee Assistance provider to come up with a plan to support your employee with the appropriate level of empathy. 

 

• Using empathy to create an open, inclusive workplace where employees feel that they can share what is on their mind and that they will be listened to and their opinions matter is very important.  This drives high levels of employee engagement and is particularly important for creating an environment that feels safe and inclusive for employees who may be minorities or LGBTQ.  Demonstrating empathy and understanding as their leader when you have not walked in their shoes entails true listening and refraining from a natural inclination to be defensive.

 

• Leading any kind of organizational change can be challenging.  During times of great change, communicating empathetically is critical, but many leaders don’t know how to do that.  Taking into consideration employee’s perspectives about the change, how people are feeling about it and tailoring communication to address concerns in a transparent manner greatly increases the likelihood that change will be accepted.  Being willing to adjust timelines, when possible, based on input from the workforce will also build leadership trust and credibility and help ensure employees feel valued.  If you can gain support for your change and ensure organizational readiness by really listening to the workforce in a genuine and empathetic way and incorporating their input, the likelihood of success for the change is high. 

Extending empathy improves collaboration with others.  When people feel empathy from you, they are more likely to be willing to collaborate in the workplace because they feel a genuine effort to understand.  When people feel truly seen and heard and they know you have their back, they become fiercely loyal not only to the organization, but to the individual leader as well. 

What Leaders Can Do to Demonstrate Empathy
Let’s face it, sometimes being in a leadership role can be lonely.  It’s important to develop genuine relationships with the people you work with to combat that loneliness and that requires a need for empathy.  This applies to relationships that you have at all levels of the organization – with those that report to you, with your peers and even with your boss.
So, where do you start with demonstrating empathy in the workplace?  Here are just a few ideas:

• Get to know the people you work with and who work for you as people – not just as the employees who work at the same organization as you do, but as full human beings.
• Ask them how their projects are going.  Learn about their lives outside of work. Spend more time listening and less time talking.  What do they like and dislike?  Do they have families?  What are their spouses’ and kids’ names?  How do they spend their off time?  What are the things that they value?  These conversations take time and it’s sometimes hard to find that time for “small talk.”  One tip for that:  arrive ten minutes early for a group meeting to have time for these kinds of conversations before others arrive.
• When your employee or a colleague is facing a difficult situation, whether it be at work or at home, listen with an open mind.  Put yourself in their shoes and really try to see things from their perspective.  Demonstrate understanding by affirming their experience.  Offer assistance.
• If someone is going through a challenging time or has had a death in the family, send a card to let them know you are thinking about them or expressing your sympathy, as appropriate. 
• Show your own vulnerability.  Share things about your personal life with others. 
• Know your employee’s strengths and weaknesses and help them focus on where they can excel.
• Be genuine.  Demonstrate compassion.  Don’t be afraid of tears.  Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and have a box of tissue handy.

When it comes to your direct reports, it’s about balancing the head and the heart. Leaning too far either way is a problem. Resist crossing the line into becoming their counselor and know when a referral to EAP is appropriate.  Talk with your HR partner if you are unsure.  Remember, showing empathy during tough situations with your staff helps earn their trust. 

Developing Empathy
Empathy is a critical leadership skill.  It’s one that needs to be included in leadership development, perhaps as part of a core curriculum on Emotional Intelligence.  This is especially important as a new generation of leaders is being developed.  Reliance on technology to communicate limits the ability to express empathy and may be creating a whole generation that has a greater difficulty expressing themselves in a way that demonstrates empathy.  As this generation enters the workforce and becomes leaders, this may create a new set of challenges in the workplace.  It will be incumbent on employers to ensure that teaching empathy as a core leadership competency is part of leadership development curriculum.  Empathy can be learned and it’s critical in the workplace. 

In Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead, she emphasizes the following five empathy skills to develop:

• Empathy Skill #1:  To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking – learning to honor people’s perspectives as truth even when they’re different from ours. 
• Empathy Skill #2:  To be nonjudgmental
• Empathy Skill #3:  To understand another person’s feelings
• Empathy Skill #4:  To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings – this requires us to be in touch with our own feelings, being able to recognize and name our emotions.
• Empathy Skill #5:  Mindfulness – this is really about being present and paying attention.  Easier said than done, especially when we lead busy lives.

Do you want to build your skills in empathy as a leader?  As a place to start I recommend two books:

Working with Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown

Something we can all do on a daily basis is to practice listening…really, fully listening.  The art of that is a key component of empathy and it’s something most of us can get better at in both our personal and professional lives. 

Deeply listening to what another person is saying – and listening for the message behind the message – and mirroring back what you heard, can go a long way in making someone feel heard and validated as a person.  And that can strengthen a relationship and build great trust between a leader and those with whom they have the privilege of leading.